Learning to See
Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24
When my eldest was a young boy, he struggled with losing control of his emotions as he grew tired in the evenings. He quickly went from laughing to crying and feeling victimized by everyone around him. As I watched him, I learned to recognized the tell-tale signs that his exhaustion was getting the best of him. First his laugh would change from normal, to an almost giddy and out of control sounding laugh, next tears would flow, and from there the situation quickly changed into a bad experience for everyone around. I began to help him see the signs that he was getting overly tired. I helped him identify those feelings and reactions that indicated that he needed to remove himself from a situation that would lead to a meltdown. Soon, he would catch himself, and say, “I’m getting tired.” and seek ways to give himself a bit of a break from activity. Before he knew how to control himself, he placed the blame for his behavior on everyone else. It was their fault. After he learned to identify his own weakness, he could remove himself from situations that would cause bad behavior on his part.
As Christians, we tend to overlook our own failures and justify our actions. Before my return to the Lord from a backslidden condition, I was a very good justifier. I enjoyed tv shows I shouldn’t have been watching, but was very quick to say that ‘everybody watches it’ or ‘it’s really popular’. I found it so easy to sit in front of programs that devalued human life or found humor in crass jokes. Many Christians struggle with the same issue. We want to live a mainstream life 6 days a week and show up for church on Sunday, sweep all of that other stuff under the rug, and talk the church talk. Since the Lord called me back to Him, I struggle to identify with the things I used to enjoy. I seek to find ways to spend time with people who love Him as much as I do. I didn’t expect or want any of this when I began to seek Him again earnestly, but I can guarantee you, I am happier where I am now, than any other time in my life. On top of that, I know I’m just at the beginning of a journey of growth in the Lord.
The Word identifies this tendency in several different places. Most well known is, of course, Matthew 6:24:
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
I struggled for so long to make that step from marginal Christian, to sold out and totally surrendered. I knew I wasn’t where I should be. If I had been, I wouldn’t have worked so hard to keep church friends separate from my weekday life. If I hadn’t been aware that what I was doing was wrong, I wouldn’t have tried to hide it. Do you act differently around your secular friends than you do your church friends? If that idea even gives you a second’s pause, consider this: why? If the way you live throughout the week is acceptable, why do you need to act differently with your christian friends? It wouldn’t have seemed so at the time, but my change of lifestyle brought the most incredible sense of relief. I am who I am 100% of the time. I never have to look over my shoulder if someone is telling a less than acceptable joke, because I’m not there listening anymore. I don’t berate people who choose to live that lifestyle, I just look for ways to avoid it, if at all possible.
Just like my son, I needed to be shown my failures, and given a way to get out of that situation. What started for me as a search to return to the joy of my salvation, ended up with me repeatedly reading and praying through Psalm 51. In verse 3, David says: For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. My first step was admitting that I was not as perfect as I pretended to be. I had to acknowledge that the fault lay directly at my feet, as I began to do that, the Holy Spirit was faithful to lead me. Study of the Word revealed more things that I could do better. Now that I’ve gotten started attempting to follow the leading of the Lord, the blessings are flowing, and I only want more and more. But, I never could have gotten here without first learning to see and admit my own sins.
Even as Christians who have a salvation testimony, we can easily fall into the trap of covering our sins with justifications and excuses. Being in a right relationship with the Lord is worth giving up a few things that we “think” are bringing us joy, in order to experience the real and true joy of walking closely with Christ.
